dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
