drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
