Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Randomize
