I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
