Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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