Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize