I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
