I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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