All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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