You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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