Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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