She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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