She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize