Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
