I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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