My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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