OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
