part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize