I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
