I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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