he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize