Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
