actually, I'm a sock model
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize