There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
