If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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