Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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