There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
