Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
