I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We got so high we made milksteak
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
