Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
