I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
