My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
