If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
