I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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