I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
