don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
