you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
