my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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