She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
