Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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