That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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