got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I need moral support for this bender
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize