guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
