I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
