So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
