The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize