Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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