I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
