Swine flu. Run for my life!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
