I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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