Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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