i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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