Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
