Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
