I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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