worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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