bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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