This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
