I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
