did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
