I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
