You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
